Let’s skip ahead 12 years to the spring of my 15th year.  Remember the sheep my parents wanted Will to have, well that never happened.  I don’t know whether it was because of my bad behavior or just life’s twists and turns.  Anyway, we ended up with goats instead, and I must say they are much more fun than sheep. 


By the time I turned 15 we had quite a substantial herd of 9 created by our two original goats – Buttercup and Philippe.  Philippe was quite the ladies man, he strutted around the field like he should be wearing purple velvet and sporting a cane.  Buttercup was the June Clever of the herd always looking after the young.  Picture that one, June Clever marries Huggy Bear.  I digress…


The goats were getting into the habit of escaping through mysterious holes in our fence we built.  Of course they decided to do this once my brother enrolled in college.  Who was there to care for them in his stead….yes that would be me.  Lovely!  Regardless, this was a huge pain in the ass when they would escape so I had to find out how they were escaping.  I would walk the fence row and try to find where they were getting out, but I could never find any holes.  Oh well, as long as they didn’t end up in the road, they should be ok.  Don’t worry this story isn’t going there. 


One afternoon, I am riding the horrible bus with the horrible rednecks, and arrive home.  I throw my stuff down in the kitchen so I can go out to feed and water the goats.  I head to the feed shed where we kept the “sweet feed” for the goats.  It was basically candy for the goats.  It was corn and other grain mixed up with molasses.  When the goats would see me coming with the coffee cans filled with this substance equal to crack, they immediately transformed into beasts that would kill anything in their way of getting this food.  When you would pour it in their troughs they would head-butt each other out the way hoping to eat the other’s feed as well.  That didn’t last long because if they waited too long Pimp Daddy Philippe would suck the food down like Dyson Vacuum. 


Anyway, I get to the feed shed and get my two cans filled to the brim with sweet feed and head down to the fence row to feed the beasts.  I start to see Philippe run down to the trough like a starving Ethiopian butting some of the goats out of his way.  I start counting to make sure they were all there.  I only got to 5, I started looking around and they were nowhere to be found.  They weren’t in the feed shed eating the “Crack” corn or in the woods annihilating trees with their gluttonous appetite.  I started shaking one of can’s of feed so they would hear the sound beating against the sides.  This usually got them to immediately stop what they were doing and come running.  Nothing was working. 


I ran out to the road fearing that I would find four goats lying in the ditch after being hit by a jacked up truck.  Shew! They weren’t there.  I run the entire perimeter of the property and cannot find them.  I head inside to call my mom and inform her that 4 goats escaped and were probably running with some white tail deer herd at this time.  I was really upset, because my favorite goat, Lily, was one of them.  How could she abandon me???


I head back to my bedroom; right next to my mom’s and hear the clop-clop of cloven hooves on the hardwood floor.  NO WAY!  We had a habit of cracking the door on nice days for our dogs to come in an out as they please.  Unfortunately, the goats found the door open.  I find one (Walnut) in the bathroom staring at the toilet paper like a 3rd grader looking at a fruit roll-up, two (Lily and Clover) on my Mom’s bed and Buttercup eating the leaves off my Mom’s touch lamp on her beside table!!!!  When I say eat the leaves, I mean the entire plant.  There were little pathetic nubs of stems left over.  This lamp was more than just a lamp too, it was the lamp that sat on my Daddy’s desk at his Bank for years and Mom brought it home to keep in her bedroom after he passed away.  I was totally freaking out.  How do I hide this Herbicide from her!  Not only that, Lily and Clover decided to show me how they were not house broken and left goat pellets scatter across my Mom’s bed.  GROSS! 


I tried grabbing them by their horns and pulling the off my Mom’ bed, but I was completely unsuccessful.  I was starting to get nervous, knowing my Mom would be arriving home in 15 minutes and I still had to clean up the mess.  I had to think fast. 




I ran out to the feed shed and grabbed a can full of the sweet feed and ran back inside to find all the goats on my Mom’s bed prancing around like they were at a WAM concert.  I shook the coffee can and they immediately leaped off the bed toward me.  I started to run out the house with Walnut, Lily, Clover and Buttercup following me like wolves.  I got to the back yard safe with them still following me for their Crack feed.


Now the hard part…the other five goats saw me coming with another can of feed.  I now had goats running after me in both directions.  How can I get the four in without the other five escaping?  So with the can in one hand, I grabbed the Jesus like shepherd hook and fended off Philippe like a Musketeer with the hook all while shaking my can.  I felt like the Piped Piper of Hamlin.  They were all safe and sound in the fence now, and I just dropped the can and ran because Philippe was about to head butt me.  I wasn’t going to let my mom find me dead at the hands of our beloved Philippe. 


I ran back inside, breathlessly (thank goodness) clean up my Mom’s bed and got rid of that evidence.  The one problem was the touch lamp!  There was no hiding this Herbicide.  Before I knew it Mom was walking through the door and I was right there to recount the epic tale and explain there was nothing I could do to save the plant.  I didn’t get in trouble, she understood.  This just goes to show, when two pairs of goats breach your house, come prepared with Shepherd’s hooks and Sweet-Crack Feed and you will regain control of the palace.  As for the plant, the roots were so strong it began to grow back and since that day, not one leaf has been destroyed or eaten off my Mom’s lamp.