Lately I have been feeling much like Meredith Grey, a completely fictional TV character from a typical TV drama that I must admit I religiously watch.  Meredith is a successful surgeon with great friends and again (FINALLY – Maybe) a great man in her life.  Meredith is constantly wishy-washy on her commitment to her man, Dr. Shepherd / McDreamy. 

How could a newly married woman be wishy-washy about her husband?  Well I am not!  Josh rocks!  He cooks, cleans, fixes cars, builds decks, renovates our house, is a great father, loves me and he is funny to boot! 

What I am feeling wishy-washy about is not my McDreamy, it is my McBaby!  About a month ago I was dead-set on getting preggers ASAP!  Like it couldn’t come soon enough.  I would walk through Target and just meander through the baby aisles just to see what I like, in case I needed to start decorating a nursery.  I was totally STOKED! 

Then a career opportunity has arisen.  It really isn’t a new job, just a promotion and seemingly more responsibility.  I am totally down with that, and can definitely juggle more projects in my work schedule.  What freaks me out is if the leadership I work with will think less of me, hold it against me, not afford me the same opportunity as a mother than a childless woman. 

My dear friend Heather balances this role quite well, and I am totally impressed.  I often wonder if my own fear of being either a total waste at work, a horrible mother, or worst of all BOTH, is holding me back. 

So here I am feeling stuck – McBaby + McCareer = Who KNOWS!  I hate not being able to tell the future to see if I completely succeed or fail.  I know I have the support of Josh and he is my #1, but being a working mother is like HUGE changes. 

So if you see me lighting a bunch of candles and placing them on a floor somewhere in the shape of a crib and changing table, you can be certain that I am still wishy-washy on my McBaby.  Either way, I am going for the McCareer.