We have been SO BUSY the last couple of weeks.  With family weddings, graduations and a growing baby boy, the fun never stops.  This is the time I HATE going to work.  Not that I don’t love my job and enjoy the adult interaction, continued learning and paycheck, i MISS my Mason. 

I come home from working 12 hour shifts last week to find him skooting forward and reeaachhhing for the item he desperately wants.  His top two front teeth are soon to make their appearance and I honest hate the thought of it.  I love him right NOW! and I want him to stay like this for just a little while longer. 

At the same time, I feel guilty, or like I am doing something wrong, when I go get him at 5 am so he can nurse and we can cuddle.  I don’t want to “ruin” his sleep routine, I just want a few quiet moments that he and I can share. 

Everyday I leave work and tell the guys I am headed to go see “the best thing that has ever happened to me” and it is so true.  Despite all the fun stuff I miss during the day when he is with Mrs. R, we still find ourselves on the floor every night, playing, laughing, and crawling around the floor just being silly.  I love those moments!

I am leaving to go to Germany for 3 weeks in June, I don’t know how I am going to deal….I just hope work will keep me SO busy that it won’t be that difficult and he won’t have taken his first step without me.   I remember back in the day when this was all just a glimmer in my mind.  I am so glad I took that opportunity to be more involved and singled-out, but even more so, I am SO glad Mason is in my life.  All the schedule juggling, speeding home (hoping to not get a ticket) just to smell that sweet boy’s head is worth all the worry.  I know the busy schedule will come to an end and we will reach another calm in the tempo at work and all will be right in the world. 

For now, I will enjoy those early morning nursing sessions and speedy trips home and forget about “runing’ my baby and just enjoy those moments when we are together!

Understanding I am 30 days late in my realization and acceptance of the new year, it really has made little impact on my life.  Not only have I been working countless hours at work, I have been home to the farm and to Germany in the past 20 days!  Knowing all the great resolutions people going about their day-to-day lives are making to become better, skinnier, more organized people, I have only a few goals/hopes – not resolutions – for the year to come. 

1.  Get pregnant.  I know I have little control over whether this happens or not, but Josh and I are determined to make it happen.  It sounds easy, but let me tell you, we have been trying since about September of 08 and nothing!  I thought I was pregnant over Christmas holiday, but alas, it wasn’t time.  I was a little embarrassed because I sent some texts messages about seeing two lines on the pregnancy test to a friend of mine and being totally excited, but not really sure because the line was faint.  Followed by the next morning, taking the test again to discover, No keep trying!  Fingers crossed, I will be knocked up sometime in 2009.

2.  Continue to kick ass at work.  Over the past year, I have been advancing myself within my company and at the Command.  I am looked at as a professional and continue to be pulled in to advise many decisions not just at my little action officer level.  This feels great!  This leads to number three.

3.  Once I am preggers – maintain professionalism and be a good mommy.  I will have to chat with a number of my friends with children about how best to do that, but I am certain it can be done.

Here’s hoping!

Lately I have been feeling much like Meredith Grey, a completely fictional TV character from a typical TV drama that I must admit I religiously watch.  Meredith is a successful surgeon with great friends and again (FINALLY – Maybe) a great man in her life.  Meredith is constantly wishy-washy on her commitment to her man, Dr. Shepherd / McDreamy. 

How could a newly married woman be wishy-washy about her husband?  Well I am not!  Josh rocks!  He cooks, cleans, fixes cars, builds decks, renovates our house, is a great father, loves me and he is funny to boot! 

What I am feeling wishy-washy about is not my McDreamy, it is my McBaby!  About a month ago I was dead-set on getting preggers ASAP!  Like it couldn’t come soon enough.  I would walk through Target and just meander through the baby aisles just to see what I like, in case I needed to start decorating a nursery.  I was totally STOKED! 

Then a career opportunity has arisen.  It really isn’t a new job, just a promotion and seemingly more responsibility.  I am totally down with that, and can definitely juggle more projects in my work schedule.  What freaks me out is if the leadership I work with will think less of me, hold it against me, not afford me the same opportunity as a mother than a childless woman. 

My dear friend Heather balances this role quite well, and I am totally impressed.  I often wonder if my own fear of being either a total waste at work, a horrible mother, or worst of all BOTH, is holding me back. 

So here I am feeling stuck – McBaby + McCareer = Who KNOWS!  I hate not being able to tell the future to see if I completely succeed or fail.  I know I have the support of Josh and he is my #1, but being a working mother is like HUGE changes. 

So if you see me lighting a bunch of candles and placing them on a floor somewhere in the shape of a crib and changing table, you can be certain that I am still wishy-washy on my McBaby.  Either way, I am going for the McCareer.